Timothy Kalyegira, one of Uganda's most controversial journalists, has long set off my "crazy" radar. He's a vocal denier of the thousands of political murders perpetrated during Idi Amin's reign, for one. Even more strange: he's claimed for almost two years that he has access to a "seer" who predicts the future of African politics. In today's Monitor he has an article titled Why I no longer fear President Museveni, in which he somehow manages to equate skepticism at the power of his fortune-telling friend to belief in Museveni's omnipotence and to declare that this "seer" has guaranteed him protection from censorship and arrest, all at once. Enjoy:When I first wrote about the seer in July 2006, I was roundly criticised by my colleague Andrew Mwenda who recommended I check into a...
A friend sent me a link to this video, in which two jovial CNN reporters discuss Senator Beer's amusing new nickname: Obama.I watched the clip twice, and I can't help but wonder what Hillary's beer would be. Tusker, methinks.Also — they have keg beer in...
I've been trying for weeks to come up with something snarky to say about this, but I think the following speaks for itself.Exhibit A, Kampala, Uganda:Exhibit B, London, England:What is Virgin Limobike?It’s a passenger motorbike. Based in London, it provides the quickest and one of the most glamorous ways to get from A to B. Celebrities use it, business people use it, in fact people from all walks of life use it, whether it be to get to the airport quickly regardless of how bad the traffic is or to glide from one end of London to the...
Because I come from a classic American family, I spent many Thursday nights of my childhood watching Friends, the only sitcom of which I have ever owned a DVD (Season Four Highlights, not that I know it by heart or anything).Perhaps that is why my image of sexy was, from the time I stopped loving Full House's Jonathan Taylor Thomas until Edward Norton stole my heart in Fight Club, constructed largely around Joey Tribbiani.Joey could make anything naughty. Seriously, anything, as evidenced in my beloved Season Four, when he talks about Midwestern cooking. It's about 2:30 into this clip:Grandma's chicken salad. Told you. As my celebrity crushes have shifted from movie stars to hip-hop moguls to scruffy travel writers, that phrase has stuck in my head as the epitome of sex.Until now.The...
In Uganda I held the Economist as the Holy Grail of Western media. I had a friend who had somehow connived his way into a free transfer of his subscription, and Post Office Mondays were better than weekends because I knew I would find the magazine cradled in the box like a gift from the heavens. The Economist could do no wrong.Until now, with their article on Iraq and Uganda.I don't take issue with the content, and I think it's great that they're spreading the reporting love around. Only it's not exactly reporting, is it, to rip all your information from a Daily Monitor article written two months ago.Imitation is supposedly the highest form of flattery, in which case David Gauvey Herbert should be thrilled, but if I were him I'd be composing a very angry SIR— right about...
What do you get when you mix eight British multi-millionaires, three weeks in Uganda and a missive to improve the living standards of an African village?Disaster, mostly. And also a new reality television show sponsored by World Vision, a non-profit known mostly for its child sponsorship program.Ugandan bloggers have reacted strongly to the show, calling it "preposterous" and "another naïve thing from the West." World Vision's official line is that the show "explor[es] the complexities of development work and the causes of poverty," which sounds very noble, but I'm going to side with the blogren.Let's recap: eight millionaires with no real knowledge of Uganda. $240,000. Three weeks. Granted, they have a "mentor" and a handy-dandy World Vision quick guide to sustainable development,...
When I was three years old, I had this long-sleeved shirt covered in pictures of planes, trains, boats and automobiles. I called it my "modes of transportation" shirt (did I mention I spent a lot of my free time at that age practicing the differences between adverbs and adjectives and count and non-count nouns? Guess whose mom was an English teacher?). I loved that shirt, and in honor of it, I've started a new label on Jackfruity.The modes of transportation category currently includes such Jackfruity favorites as:Traveling with Momma, a heartwarming tale of chevron theologyIn Need of an Explanation, one of many posts in which I recount being thoroughly confused by life in KampalaNo Beans For You, about sharing and sustenanceHe's Not Really, I Promise, in which I am grief counseled by a...
Yesterday a man stopped me outside the subway."Miss, how much money do you spend on your hair every month?" he asked me.I stopped and thought about it. "Why?""Well, I'm doing a salon promotion, and I bet you we can save you at least $10 per month on hair cuts and more.""The last time I got my hair cut was in April," I told him. "Of 2006. And it cost me $5."I watched his reaction for a second, just because his speechlessness was so amusing. And then I got on my...
furore via Jackfruity September 9th, 2007 at 19:48
Since I last wrote, I finished work, slept in a geodome, climbed a volcano, wore a tie to a goat race and left Uganda. Yikes.I haven't been home (by which I mean lovable Lawrence, KS, home of indie scenesters and dozens of locally owned coffee shops and more banks per capita than anywhere else in the United States*) yet because I'm hanging out with old friends on the East Coast. So far my culture shock has consisted of my amazement at drinkable tap water and skinny jeans.Right now I'm sitting in the Edwin Ginn Library pretending to be a student at the Fletcher School. Fletcher is currently heading the list of graduate programs I'm considering, making this particular moment simultaneously exciting (I could be here in a year!) and terrifying (I could not be here in a year!).The future...
My strongest support goes to my friend Katherine Roubos, whose courageous coverage of the GLBT community in Uganda has garnered this:I went to the rally to be a part of a team of white female decoys (Katherine's editor sent her to cover it, which theoretically gave her some sort of journalistic immunity, but the purpose of the rally already nullified that. Better safe than sorry, not so?) and to exercise my own curiousity: the event was organized by Martin Ssempa, a conservative Ugandan religious activist with whom I recently exchanged words.Wow. Martin Ssempa is undeniably charismatic. He is also undeniably creepy. For all you Lawrencians: imagine Fred Phelps shaking your hand. I came home and took a very long shower.P.S. Aga Khan, if you fire her, that's it. We're...
I was in grade school when "This Is How We Do It" came out. I'm pretty sure that my junior-high -school fantasies at one point included seeing Montell Jordan live, probably with TLC or Skee-Lo.They most definitely did not include seeing Montell Jordan live, outdoors, in Kampala, promoting the upcoming launch of his new album.My mind: officially...
awed via Jackfruity June 1st, 2007 at 17:31
I'm pretty sure that if you looked up "kick ass" in the dictionary, you'd see a picture of Peter Tatchell, who performed a citizen's arrest on Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe in 1999:The attempted seizure of President Mugabe took place as his motorcade left the St James's Court Hotel in Buckingham Gate, London SW1, where he had been staying during a "private" shopping visit to Britain.Running out into the road in front of the Presidential motorcade, Tatchell’s three OutRage! colleagues — John Hunt, Alistair Williams and Chris Morris — forced the President's car to stop.Peter Tatchell ran from behind the President’s halted limousine, opened the rear door and grabbed the President by the arm: "President Mugabe, you are under arrest for torture," Tatchell told the startled...
Dennis Matanda recently engaged in a search for heroes and came to the conclusion that Idi Amin is the greatest Ugandan.To me, this is kind of like saying George W. Bush is the greatest American: resolve and dedication to a cause, no matter who dies. He promises a Part II, which I await eagerly, but I can't hold in my skepticism regarding his ten points that "prove" Idi's greatness. Here's my rebuttal:i) He was able to build the International Conference Center from Government ResourcesOkay, this isn't exactly a strong start (on my part) because I don't know enough about the International Conference Center. Has it been used much since then? Has it brought in a lot of International Conferences? (Knowing my luck, this is probably the reason CHOGM is being held in Uganda.) But moving...
My mom is a children's ministries pastor in the States, which is something I know but not something I expected the average Ugandan citizen to know. Hence my surprise when a taxi conductor in Bweyale began the following, unprompted theological discussion with her:Taxi Conductor: Do you fear God?My Mom: Umm...yes, I fear God.TC: (look of shock) You fear God?MM: (wondering how deeply she should go in her explanation of her faith) Well, I'm not afraid of him. It's more—TC: (shoves two goats under her seat)MM: Oh....
Wednesday, 16 May 2007, approximately 3:00 PM, heading north on Yusuf Lule Boulevard, Kampala, Uganda: I see a man riding a boda-boda, carrying a pair of snow...
When I think of pleasant ways to spend a Sunday afternoon in Uganda, listening to a six-year-old sing karaoke to “My Heart Will Go On” while watching a man hack an entire roast pig to pieces with a machete in preparation for a cock fight isn’t the first thing that comes to mind.But when in Uganda, do as the Filipinos do (that's what I always say). I was escorted to this whizbang of a socio-cultural experience by my new friend Richard, to whom I was introduced this weekend thusly:“This is Richard! Tomorrow, he’s going to show us his cock!”Intrigued, both by the introduction and by the way this small man reminded me of Seth Green in Can’t Hardly Wait, I befriended him and scored an invitation to what turned out to be his distant relative’s baptism celebration, which, he...
The Daily Monitor reported today that Vice President Gilbert Bukenya drove himself home last Friday. This is not the first time the VP has flagrantly disregarded his security squad: in December he went, unsupervised, to the gym.Another star example of this week's African media: Nigerian President Olusegun Obasanjo defended his People's Democratic Party presidential candidate Alhaji Musa Umar Yar'Adua against rumors of ill health using the infallible logic, "Can somebody with one kidney play squash?"Last one: Ghana's Accra Mail declared that smuggling in Ghana is decreasing. The cause? Police efforts to decrease...
George Bush will out Aga Khan as a terrorist mastermind and commence war against Pakistan and Tajikistan. Turkmenistan will be thrown in for good measure. Shortly thereafter, the Washington Post will reveal that what were thought to be terrorist training camps in northern Pakistan were actually just schools for poor shepherds, and CNN will begin featuring "Stangate" on the nightly news. Fox News will insist wool from the sheep in question contained suspicious traces of plutonium, thereby justifying the attack. Ronald Gates will resign, and in an unprecedented violation of the Constitution, Dick Cheney will take over his role. American voters, disturbed by the thought of radioactive sheep, will be too busy lobbying against imported lamb to notice.Yoweri Museveni will die of gout....
I was going to try to recapture these events for you, but I think I'll let the following conversation do the work for me.Me: OHsorandom storywent to little bakery a block from my house in kampala yesterdaybought breadcashier was holding a STACK OF $100 BILLSlikeat least half an inch thickanalyze this for meJulio: that seems to be a lot of money for a bakery to have especially when everything's so cheap there.but that's....a good $5000Me: yeahi knowand bread?is like 60 centssoobviouslysomething else is going onJulio: special chicken!Me: (maybe he's the main purveyor of special chicken? all other special chicken sellers work for him?)yeahexactlybut he was SO CASUAL about itJulio: maybe you should ask him sometime about special chicken. Me: it was 5:00 in the afternoonno attempt to hide...
Last night my roommate and I indulged in a number of vices: cheese, cigarettes, beer. A couple of hours later, sitting on the balcony, I blurted out a tipsy confession:I really want meat right now. This statement may not be shocking, but it runs contrary to the more than third of my life I've spent as a vegetarian.I try to dissect the craving — it's salt, I decide. I just need salt.We decide to run across the street and split a plate of chips. On our way, we're accosted by a friendly Ugandan who offers us "special chicken." We pass him by, get our chips, and head home. We meet him again."Hello, madame! Hello! You want special chicken?"He's very insistant, and we're very...err...persuadable. "Might as well put all possible toxins in our body at once," Roommate says. I...
Q: How many Ugandans does it take to get a matatu (shared minivan taxi) from Kampala to Entebbe?A: Two to maneuver your friend's suitcase into the front seat; another to charge her 225% of the fare because she's bringing luggage (I'm sorry, isn't everyone else?); three to load the back of the vehicle with bags of grain and sacks of live chickens; two to strap foam mattresses to the top; one to yell at those strapping mattresses to the top about the way in which they're strapping mattresses to the top; six to get in, properly position (read: cram into every available nook and cranny) their baggage, get settled, then change their minds, extract their belongings and leave; one to roll his eyes at the six indecisive ones; two to press water, biscuits, handkerchiefs, newspapers and other...
...the theft of my laptop, phone, camera, money, ID, bank card, journal (of the "response to Trial Justice" kind, not the "dear diary" kind), clothes and shoes. Oh, and a friend's copy of Orwell's Homage to Catalonia (to that friend, who doesn't yet know about his loss: my apologies).The loss of my beloved iBaby will set back the blogging a bit, but I'll do my best to keep posting fairly regularly...I'm working on a couple of pieces that I hope to have up soon.Lots of love, and remember to lock your...
Last week someone broke into one of the organizations I work for and stole some random things. I don't know what the total damage was, but the office doesn't look any worse for the wear, and the attack doesn't seem to have been specifically targeted at us.This morning, one of the staff knocked on my door and handed me an empty jar of peanut butter."Someone broke in last week," he informed me. I thanked him for the news, wondering why I was holding an empty jar of peanut butter.I only wondered a little bit, though, as this man spends nine hours every weekday doing things like cutting the tops off of coffee filters, endlessly rearranging the two newspapers we keep on the front table (Daily Monitor on top. No, New Vision. No, Daily Monitor.) and painstakingly washing and drying all of...
I've been out of commission this past week, enjoying the outlying edges of Uganda. Sipi Falls. I highly recommend it.I'm back and looking forward to honing my writing skills by participating in National Novel Writing Month. Fifty thousand words in thirty days, mostly composed by candlelight during my long, lonely nights in the bush. I'm still not sure what I'll write about, but I have a hunch it will involve Aga Khan. Jay-Z should also feature heavily.Want to join me? Go to NaNoWriMo.org and sign up. Then go to my page and be my buddy so we can poke and prod each other to the finish...
After six weeks in Kampala, I’ve come to the conclusion that those involved in public transportation – namely boda drivers and matatu conductors – learn basic English questions in the following order:1. You, where are you going?2. Mzungu, how are you?3. Do you have a boyfriend?4. What’s your phone number?This phenomenon often extends beyond drivers and conductors to other passengers, who frequently inquire as to your marital status before even learning your name. These men have no shame – even if your hair is a mess and your eyes are bloodshot and you’re stumbling through the taxi park at six in the morning, they still see something desirable in you and give it their best shot. It both appeals to your vanity and disgusts you. If you happen to be a single white woman in...
After exhausting the locally available restaurant options and gorging ourselves on free wireless at the Speke Resort in Munyonyo, a friend and I decided to spend one afternoon of our three-day weekend (Happy Ugandan Independence Day!) at Didi's World, an amusement park in Kansanga.From the outside, Didi's looks quite inviting, festooned with dual portraits of Mickey Mouse-as-Sherlock Holmes and Alvin and the Chipmunks. It's not until you pass through the metal gates that it begins to resemble less a great place to take the kids and more Funland, home of sleezy mobs and bloodthirsty carnies.The entrance hall is decorated with the requisite photo of Museveni (no surprises there) and a picture of a white man swathed in regally sparkling robes (what?). Upon inquiry, my friend and I learned...